


constant craving

by filippellis



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Drunken Kissing, F/F, First Kiss, Possibly Unrequited Love, Sad and Happy, Yearning, at the s3 dundies we never got to see, jim just. doesn't exist in this fic, takes place in s3, this is rlly sad im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:55:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26943268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/filippellis/pseuds/filippellis
Summary: but in that moment, it feels like they're the only two people in the world, and all pam can focus on is how karen sings so off key but in such an endearing way, and how they keep inching closer and closer together as if their chests are magnets, and how she can feel karen's heartbeat against her own, and how she's wearing a new shade of lipstick, a deep red that brings out her light eyes perfectly.
Relationships: Pam Beesly/Karen Filippelli
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	constant craving

"and the award for most holes punched in dunder mifflin scranton's walls goes to...andy bernard!"

as soon as michael announces it, andy goes wild. he screams, running up to accept the award with way more excitement than any sane person should have when receiving a piece of junk that means nothing. 

karen's hazel eyes roll into the back of her head before meeting pam's, her face stricken with annoyance. pam bites down on her tongue, trying to suppress a laugh. it works until andy starts quoting borrat in his acceptance speech which makes karen sink into her chair with defeat, causing pam to burst out giggling. 

"don't laugh at my suffering, pamela." she tries to be serious but she says it with a grin, which just makes pam even more giggly. she always calls her pamela when she's jokingly scolding or teasing her. pam doesn't know why she likes it so much.

"i can't help that your suffering is funny!"

"owwwwww!" 

karen wanted to skip the dundies all together, for good reason, but pam insisted that she came.

"you can't miss out on your first dundies!! you have to experience it at least once. we can even sit together!!" pam made her case very insistently the day before as karen stood at reception, picking at her jellybean selection.

"i don't know pam. having to sit through a michael scott one man show sounds like something they'd torture you with in hell."

"pleaseee? for me?" pam put on her best pouty face and karen sighed.

"not fair! you know i can't say no to your puppy dog eyes..."

and she didn't. so instead she sat next to pam for the whole night, listening to michael do his accents while downing numerous bottles of sam adams. it was the first time pam had gotten to see drunk karen, something which she thoroughly enjoyed. she's one of those girls who get's really giggly when drunk, and pam adores seeing her smile and laugh. her happiness is infectious, and every time she flashes her a smile or even a smirk, pam finds herself unconsciously doing the same. 

ping seems to be karen's breaking point, as she slams her head against the table and groans, prompting more laughter from pam. karen lifts her head up to look at pam, her chin still resting on the table.

"pam, you know i love you," karen says, and though it's obviously the start of a statement, pam can't help but only focus on those 6 words as she just looks at karen with a feeling that she knows so well, one that's so obvious, but one she doesn't want to place.

"earth to pam?" karen says eventually, waving a hand in front of pam's face to signal her back to reality.

"sorry, what?" pam responds quickly, the two words jumbled together so it sounds more so like one. thankfully karen's too drunk to notice pam's embarrassment, or the rosiness of her cheek, so instead she just laughs. 

"i said i love you, but can we go now? i don't know how much more ping i can take..."

"oh. oh yeah, sure." 

on their way out, karen links her arm with pam's. pam hopes she doesn't notice how hard she's smiling. 

karen leads pam to her car. they had no plans to go anywhere afterwards, but pam doesn't point that out or even ask about it. she'd go anywhere with her. 

"wait here," karen instructs, digging through her bag for her keys. it proves difficult for her, but she retrieves them after a bit, unlocking her car and starting it up. 

"you like k.d. lang?" karen asks pam when she retreats from the other side of the car, shuffling through a cd case. her deep brown hair is still sprawled across her face from leaning down, not bothering to move it out of her face. pam likes it like that. 

"what are you, my mom?" pam asks jokingly. 

"ms. lang is intergenerational, pamela," karen retorts, slipping a k.d. lang album into her car's cd player. pam doesn't recognize the song that starts playing, but karen sure does, and she drunkenly slurs each and every single one of the words. 

"evennn in the darkessttt nightsssss," pam begins to laugh as karen dances while she sings, and karen, noticing this, ushers pam to join her. pam vigorously shakes her head no, but before she knows it, karen dances over to her side of the car and takes her hands in her own. 

karen's hands are incredibly soft. pam already knew this from all the moment's their hands had accidentally touched, when she gave her an original to copy, when pam handed her candy, but this is the first time she was really able to hold them. and it's just as nice as she had imagined. 

pam caves, because of course she caves for karen, and eventually they're dancing, or more so swaying, together in the middle of the red lobster parking lot at god knows what time. but in that moment, it feels like they're the only two people in the world, and all pam can focus on is how karen sings so off key but in such an endearing way, and how they keep inching closer and closer together as if their chests are magnets, and how she can feel karen's heartbeat against her own, and how she's wearing a new shade of lipstick, a deep red that brings out her light eyes perfectly.

"hey," karen says in a mixture of a whisper and a laugh, drawing pam's away from her lips and up to karen's eyes. she didn't even realize how obvious she was being, and her face reddens with embarrassment. she also didn't realize how close they actually were; pam's nose is inches away from karen's freckled one. karen seems to notice this too, and her smile fades, her breath stiffening. they both stop swaying, but karen leaves her hands firmly placed on pam's hips, pam doing the same with her arms gently draped over karen's shoulders. pam feels words bubbling up in her throat, but karen doesn't give her the chance to say them.

she first presses their noses together before their lips, and when karen's lips meet pam's, it feels so right, as if they were sculpted from the same piece of clay, made to fit perfectly together. karen's lips are soft as suede, and her vanilla lavender perfume washes over pam and makes her feel more comforted than she ever has before. karen places a hand on pam's face as she deepens the kiss, the slender fingers of her other hand curling around pam's hip a bit tighter than before. pam can only ask herself why they haven't done this before. 

karen opens her mouth a bit wider, inviting pam's tongue inside. before she can oblige, it hits her. the smell of beer on karen's breath, that is. and at that moment, pam's facade of romance and belonging is shattered. they're drunk. that's all this is. that's all it means to karen. it's a realization that physically hurts pam, right in her chest, as if the magnet connecting the two of them has suddenly become a million pounds heavier and has stopped working. 

pam freezes for a moment, then ducks her head back to look at karen. she manages to make eye contact, but seems to struggle with her words.

"what's wrong?" karen asks to fill the silence pam's created. 

"um.." she doesn't want to be tearing up, but she is. "we're drunk."

"is that okay?" karen asks, a tinge of understandable confusion in her voice. because why would she think this meant so much more to pam than it did to her? why would she think that her best friend in the office was so hopelessly enamored by her, that she practically had been since the day we transfer?

but of course, she can't say all of that. "we shouldn't be..." she says instead, looking at the floor. "i mean...i wish we weren't. i mean..." pam sighs out of frustration and desperation, unable to say what she wants to. "i only want to kiss you if it means something more to you than...this."

she lets go of karen completely in order to see her full reaction. karen only purses her lips and looks down in thought, which makes pam's eyes even tearier.

"i...i don't know..." karen trails off into nothingness, staring into the pavement below her as if she hoped it would answer for her. 

"i'm sorry."

"don't be sorry."

they stand there for what feels like forever the only thing preventing pure silence being the music softly playing in the background, transitioning to another song. pam had so much left to say, but nothing that she could bear to get out.

"let's talk about this later, alright?" karen eventually says, breaking the silence once more. she's already backing away to the other side of the car. 

"okay. yeah, totally." pam is doubtful they ever will.

"i'll see you tomorrow pam."

"goodnight karen."

"goodnight pam."

pam watches karen drive off until her car disappears from her line of sight completely. she sits down on the curb, her left cheek still burning from karen's touch, her dress still reeking of her perfume. she hugs her knees as tightly as she can before beginning to cry into them, letting all her tears she has in her pour out of her eyes until there's nothing left. when she's finished, she yearn's for karen to comfort her, to dry her tears as she scoops her into a hug and tells her that everything is going to be okay. but she doesn't know if she'll ever have that. not even when it's the only thing she wants.


End file.
